I'm not going to group. I'm going to be ok with this, even if it hurts a bit...
Here's why-
- I'm not sure I'm safe to drive. I'm super drowsy and dizzy from "behaviors" and screwing around with my meds. I missed two doses in a row but now I'm all good :) well almost. I will be in a few days, I just got to give it some time.
- I have a crap load of stuff to clean up. My room (or fake room while my bedroom is being painted) is full of trash and dishes and its kinda gross. Sorry for the TMI but hey this is raw& unedited (i.e. may be triggering)
- I already know what they're talking about. Prrrobably should have mentioned this before but the group I'm in is a DBT skills group. This is my third "semester" (3 sem./year) and they recommend that each person do at least three, so it could be my last. TANGENT- I know I should go to more than 3 since I'm not in school, but my group leader is pregnant and I have a really awkward weird history with the new person taking over soo might not go back until after the pregnant leader gives birth... because that was essential to this post :)
- I'm having a fat day. YEAH ok I said it. I know, I know disordered! In like bold fucking flashing lights. I get it. Its wrong. but I'm going to pretend its all good because the rest of this stuff is on the list.
And you know what else I just realized? ALL of these things are a result of my mom giving me more control over my life.
Apparently, contrary to what I scream, I CAN'T handle it. See my parents decided to lock up all the food... basically all the food... in their room, so I can't go crazy binge mode. The lock looks something like this:
Fancy huh? yeah probably fancier than the crappy one on our front door...
Anyway! The lock was my dad's idea. Its been there for a few months.
He's in China right now.
We had an epic family fight between both my brothers, me, and my mom, ALL angry at one another for different reasons... long story. Resulted in me leaving til 3am after packing my bags and attempting to sleep in the car. MUCH more uncomfortable to do than one may think!
IRRELEVANT damn it Sloane FOCUS.
SO in the midst of all this I somehow managed to convince or my mom thought it would be a good idea to see how I was without some of the food locked up.
Apparently I went crazy.
*crazier
I, you know, gave into urges... binged and purged a lot. Wasn't able to take my meds. Screwed up my mind and body.
*even more
Why can't I manage something that everyone else seems capable of? rhetorical. I honestly thought things would be seeeemi ok with less food locked up. And in some ways it is. Theres food downstairs now that normally wouldn't be and I don't feel like eating it all because I "have the chance." Hopefully this is just a phase of adjustment.. hopefully.
As always. I'll see how things go.
Maybe this has something to do with it? Maybe I isolate to avoid conflict... & yet that doesn't seem to help make my life any less dramatic.
